


Eyes On The Horizon

by barricadebastard



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-29 21:16:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11449200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barricadebastard/pseuds/barricadebastard
Summary: Prompt: “Look at me; Just breathe, okay?”





	Eyes On The Horizon

**Author's Note:**

> title from Breathe, In the Heights. originally posted on my tumblr at [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)
> 
> i had You Will Be Found on replay throughout the entirety of this. also, i have this headcanon that aaron doesn’t like mint-choc combos and alex makes fun of him a lot because he thinks its a classic and doesn’t understand how someone could dislike it
> 
> yo, send me more prompts + ships from [this list](http://hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com/post/162544629568/writing-prompts) (or your own)!

 

Alex hadn't been so overwhelmed in a long time. Sure, he overworked himself to a point where his friends would have to physically drag him to bed for fear that he would pass out, and sure, he'd be so invested in whatever he was doing that he'd forget to eat until he was forced to in order to keep writing. Sure, he had been molded into something of a perfectionist by his own debilitating fear that he was replaceable and seconds away from being thrown back onto the streets, and sure he used fine-tuning his assignments to be completely perfect as an unhealthy coping mechanism, but that was  _ fine.  _ He had survived this long, and he usually knew where his breaking point was, stopping just short of it. Maybe it wasn't completely healthy, but that was okay. He was surviving, and that was the most he could ask for.

Except his workload had been even heavier than usual, and it had been so long since he'd slept. The breakdown that followed was inevitable.

So now he was sitting on the filthy floor of the bathroom, having his first panic attack in three months, struggling to breathe, with his boyfriend holding his hands and speaking gently. 

“Look at me; just breathe, okay?” Aaron was saying. The words didn't matter as much as the physical reassurance that Aaron was here, holding him, that Alex wasn't alone. So Alex focused on the musical decadence of Aaron's voice, the creases on his brow from concern, the slow rise and fall of his chest as he demonstrated a rhythm for Alex to follow. 

“Sorry,” Alex managed to choke out between gasps. 

“There's nothing to apologise for,” Aaron said firmly. “Focus on breathing for now, okay?” 

But Alex couldn't. “I'm sorry, I'm… Shit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-”

He didn't know what he was apologising for. 

“Alex, you don't need to be sorry for anything. Come on, let's keep taking deep breaths…”

Sorry for existing, sorry for having a panic attack, sorry for burdening you, sorry I'm not perfect, sorry I can't focus on breathing, sorry I'm apologising so much, sorry I put you in this situation-

“...There we go, and out. You're doing great, Alex, you're doing so great. Keep going now…”

Alex could feel the panic seeping away only to be replaced with pure exhaustion etching itself into his bones. He sagged against the wall, unable to muster the energy to be concerned about the state of his blazer. God, he was just so tired. He wanted to cry, but Aaron was probably already sick of comforting him. He didn't want to add to that. 

“Hey,” Aaron murmured. He was on his knees in a dirty bathroom. The things he did for Alex was incredible. Mister Perfect sacrificing his expensive clothes just because Alex was too ridiculous to sleep.

“Hey,” Alex managed to reply weakly. “Sorry 'bout that.”

“Nothing to apologise for,” Aaron repeated. “Do you want to go home now? I’m sure the others will understand.”

Ah, yes. The party. He remembered all their concerned faces, all these people he was supposed to smooch up to and impress. Alex guessed having a panic attack and sprinting out of the hall wasn’t the impressive thing he’d ever done. Great. Of all the times he could have broken down, he just  _ had  _ to do it in front of all these strangers. There goes all his chances to score an internship from them.

“Hey,” Aaron said, drawing Alex’s attention back to him. “What are you thinking?” 

“It’s nothing,” Alex said automatically, before sighing. “It’s just… I really wanted an internship. I really wanted to impress them, you know?” 

“Oh, Alex,” Aaron said, and god, that sympathetic voice just made Alex want to cry. He ducked his head down just as his eyes filled with tears, pulling his knees up to his chest and holding himself tightly as though his arms could keep him from falling apart. At this point, he just felt like a collection of broken pieces, sellotaped together precariously, and seeing Aaron’s eyes soften in sympathy was the last straw that made him crumble. He felt Aaron wrap his own arms around him too, and he bit back a sob, focusing instead on Aaron’s new aftershave, the one they had bought together after spending ten minutes arguing playfully about which one was the best.

“I’m sorry,” Alex sniffed. 

Aaron ignored his apology. “You are so much more than your academic ability. You’re not defined by how many internships you’re offered, okay? That’s not why your friends love you, and it’s certainly not why  _ I  _ love you.” 

“But I need them. I need to get somewhere in life.” Alex’s voice was pathetically small. 

“Alex, look at yourself,” Aaron said, pulling away. His brow was furrowed, and he looked so serious that Alex couldn’t help but feel a twang of guilt. “You’ve got the best grades in our class, you’re passionate and hard-working and talented. You’re not going to have an issue finding a career or company you love. You’ll be fine even if you don’t manage to impress every single person you come across. Those people in that hall aren’t the be-all, end-all of your future career.” 

That… made sense. But why was Alex’s stomach still churning with fear?

“Yeah, okay,” Alex said finally. He wiped his face of the tears he had only been vaguely aware of. “I’m gonna head on home.” 

Aaron gave him a strange look. “By yourself?” 

“I’m not letting you throw away  _ your  _ opportunities because of me, Aaron.” 

“Oh, come on. The people in there are stuffy anyway. Even stuffier than me, and that’s saying something,” Aaron grumbled. Alex couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll come with you. Disney movies and ice-cream sounds fun.” 

“Even if I want mint-choc ice-cream?” 

“...Goddammit, Alex.” 


End file.
